The Gift Of Teenagers: How To Bond With Your Teen Part 2
by Catherine Evans
Last week, I interviewed Rachel Kelly on her fabulous book The Gift of Teenagers. I loved talking to her, as she is very forthright about her past struggles with mental health and how this has shaped her relationship with herself and her children, and quite honestly, it would be foolish to ignore parenting advice from a thoughtful, intelligent person who has had five kids. Her book covers a range of issues, and provides some solid pointers on how to navigate those tricky teen years. She emphasises how important it is to look after yourself, as unless you do so, you’re in no position to look after anyone else.
My favourite takeaway from the book is not to worry too much about being SuperMum or SuperDad. Being a good enough parent is what we should aspire to, and knowing when to butt out is a key skill worth learning. Stepping in to rescue your kid often gives them the message that they can’t solve their own problems, and it’s so important to allow them to get it wrong from time to time, to let them fail sometimes, as this is how they learn and how they acquire resilience.
One of the key complaints I hear from my friends about their teenage children, especially of their sons, is how difficult it is to get them to talk. Teens can be a tough crowd, but there are non-cringe ways to get them to open up. If you’re active, then park runs, fun runs or bike rides are a great way to do it, although for the less active, there are other ways that don’t involve sweat, bike grease or cold water. Dance classes and TikTok routines are surprisingly unifying, especially if you’re both equally talentless.
Teens often open up more when they’re not being directly eyeballed. Side by side is often best, which is why lots of great chats happen in the car, or while walking the dog. Cooking or folding laundry are also good ways of initiating low key conversations. I haven’t tried it, but apparently gaming together is a great strategy to get a teen to talk. My daughter and I play squash together; a side by side game which isn’t nearly as strenuous as it sounds. It’s amazing how much chatting you can get done when you’re supposed to be running around after a small ball.
We also play each other music. This is always an unequal contest. She plays me stuff I’ve never heard of (the lyrics are often eye-popping), and whenever I try and play her a song from the 70s or 80s, ten to one she already knows it, as if she has a private jukebox in her head. We love sharing funnies on Instagram. Who knew how much fun you can have with ‘Cats That Look Like Hitler.’
TV shows and movies are a safe way to invite discussion about thorny issues. ‘What would you have done if you were in that character’s shoes?’ I try hard to listen to her response without jumping in. Sometimes, I fail dismally: ‘Say what???’ Great shows to watch with your teen: Never Have I Ever, brilliantly narrated by John McEnroe, Friday Night Dinner, The Peep Show and The Inbetweeners.
Other things to try: board games, card games, crafts. Give your teen a budget and let them plan a day out with you. Their plan, their choice. Take them to a café for coffee and cake. Bring a book each, to keep it low pressure, to make it plain that they don’t have to talk if they don’t want to.
Teens don’t respond well to grand gestures. It’s more about being present and having small but genuine moments. Overall, the book is quite reassuring: parental perfection is not only impossible, it’s simply not required. As for learning how to butt out? As stated above, that’s a key parenting skill to learn, one that I have definitely yet to master. Maybe I’ll get the hang of it one day, but by then, my kid will probably have left home.
